New Steps

Where do I begin? Where do I start? How do I begin to write and what do I share?
I'm still here in Huntington Beach, CA for everyone who thinks I've fallen off the face of the planet. I'm still attending the SOW and I am being stretched.
One very new thing that I am doing is leading a worship band in school. I've never lead a worship band or any type of band ever before. We have a great bassist, drummer, pianist, electric guitarist, and anther co-leader in vocals and on acoustic. This experience is stretching and super humbling. I know that I don't have the greatest voice. I know I am by far not the most skilled guitarist (I'm just a beginner!). I know that I'm way more comfortable singing harmonies and playing nothing. But God, but God, hasn't chosen that for me.
1 Cor. 1:26-31 says, For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God- and righteousness and sanctification and redemption- that, as it is written, 'He who glories, let him glory in the LORD.'"
This is a section of scripture I'm holding onto right now, each day, each time I walk in the calling God has on my life. My calling is not always hard; I think that our callings are a lot more simple that we all think. Our callings are our lives, just living each day and following Jesus. Some days, it's so fun and simple and nerve-free to walk in my calling. Other days, like many days lately, my calling is nerve-wracking, sweat producing, and anxiety causing... well, that last statement isn't entirely true. My calling is good, but I try so many times to fulfill that calling in my own strength and that's when I get stressed.
It would be a lot easier to just retreat; it would be a lot easier to pack up my bags, to go back to familiarity, to settle into a routine and to surround myself with people whom I have known for years. It would be less stressful, less sweat causing.... it would be less.
Each step taken in this life is a step of faith. We are on this upward climb; on a great and beautiful hike up a large, cloud covered mountain. We can't see the peak, but we take steps upward because we have the end in mind. The destination that gives the motive for the whole hike is unseen yet fully hoped for. I find there are points in this hike that I reach the area of the cloud coverage, and I think "ah, yes, I've gotten as far up this mountain as I can see is here", but then, after wiping my brow, setting down my backpack, I gaze up and the clouds have lifted. There is more mountain to climb. "BUT I GOT AS FAR AS I COULD SEE" my anxious heart exclaims. Now, there is more mountain to climb, the grade is steep, and the next steps are going to take more energy.
That is completely how life is for me. I want to reach that spot, but that spot is unreachable here on earth; that spot, that area of rest, is heaven and it truly is the end goal.
So what do I do in my weakness? What do I do when each step gets harder to take? Has God still ordained and chosen this hike for me when I am weak, when I am frail, when I don't feel qualified to continue? Yes. God has chosen the weak things of this world to confound the wise. The wise, in this world at least, have stopped climbing a long time ago (or never even started climbing) because logically, it didn't make sense to climb the mountain. But God has chosen this beautiful hike, this upward calling, for me and being weak is full qualification.
Do you feel weak? Are people giving you their wisdom that is completely opposite of what God is calling you to? Do you feel feeble? If those answers are yes, know that God has called you and God has chosen you to endeavor on this faith filled hike in life. What are the areas that fearful in your life? What are the hindrances that are in your thoughts that are keeping you from continuing? I know it is so needful for me to write down those things, identify them, see them written on paper and look at them soberly.
We need to remind ourselves of God's truth. God's truth is "Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:34-37.
So my weakness, my frailty, my simplicity, my lack of musical perfection or perfect pitch or ability to hit the right chords on the guitar, doesn't disqualify me. God hasn't judged me, like an American Idol panel, and told me to go home. I have just almost asked that He would send me home. How silly is that? Oh how fear and worry inhibit faith.
Tomorrow I am leading worship for the k-5 Sunday schoolers at Calvary Chapel Beachside. This is the first time I'll be leading at beachside on a Sunday and I can't think of a better audience. I know children are very forgiving- they won't have critical ears when I mess up. In fact, I've heard that these kids are so great that they dance and clap their hands when they worship and I am so looking forward to that time of uninhibited worship. I know I'll learn from them tomorrow and receive a bulky blessing.
My mind ponders this: Who am I that God would use me? Who am I that He would choose me? I am nothing, and yet He wants me. I am nothing, and yet He uses me. These facts have been blowing my mind and have put all logic in the dumpster. God's love is so illogical! God's love is incalculable! My thoughts can't compartmentalize it.
Faith. This whole life in Christ is completely settled in this one word. Faith; not even my own but it is the free gift of God (Eph. 2:8-10). But why? I'm not deserving this gift, I'm not deserving of a life full of God's blessings, I'm not deserving of a great calling, I'm not deserving of my desires being fulfilled. But God, just because, has made up His mind to love me unconditionally. The same is for you. God has great things for you just because He loves you.
This post is long and probably much more beneficial to me than to you. Sometimes I just need to write out the swells of thoughts that are in my head and heart. I guess tonight was just a time of opening the flood-gates. I do hope you are encouraged, by this feeble, small, insignificant and weak woman to continue in your own personal life. So are you weak? Well, than just like me, we're qualified and chosen. Let's keep our faith in God and let Him do all He desires to do through us.